CRAPPYTAXIDERMY.COM
This site is great. Here are some of my favorites. (I kind of went a little over board. I now call this an online magazine. Its title is CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT 6 6 6 6 6 6.
“WHO YOU CALLING A QUACK.”
“WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR BUDDY.” “WASTED.”
“GET ME ANOTHER FUCKING BEER MARTHA……you gotta slow down frank, your going to get hooked…..JUST GET THE FUCKING BEER.”
EXCUSE ME, HOW DO YOU GET TO THE PINE CASTLE…..its through the woods…..THANK YOU…….But you cannot go, the woods are filled with monsters……DONT WORRY, IM A WIZARD.”
“HEY MAN, GOT A SMOKE?”
COP PARTY.
THE FLASHER.
(WATCHING AN EPISODE OF FRIENDS.)
Lead singer of the band THE LIVER LIPS.
Click below to listen to their hit number one song.
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THE LIVER LIPS - GLOW WORM.
(Lyrics.)
A dragon fly
A lightning bug
im going to eat you
ooh baby i need you
glow worms
Im eating glow worms
Im a fucking toad
……..
fuck you
Im a fucking toad
a horse fly pie
a crepes suzette
a horse fly pie
a crepes suzette
im a fucking toad
…………
fuck you
im a fucking toad
……….
fuck you
eating glow worms
im a fucking toad
oh im a fucking toad
a real bad news
mother fucking toad
Oh lord, you know im the best damn toad
there ever was, there ever will be
why dont you listen to my toad howl.
mehhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Im a fucking toad
fuck you
fuck you
pretty baby fuck you
glow worms
im eating glow worms
well im a toad
such a beautiful toad
well im a toad
such a beautiful toad
toad.
this is my toad howl.
mehhhhhhh.
THE PROFESSOR.
THE CROSS DRESSER.
“My people. I speak the voice of the lord. He came to me in a dream. He was a chain smoker and a pervert. My people, our lord is a sex fiend. He told me, quite rudely, he yelled. Hey preacher, IM A FUCKING SEX FIEND. Hes a very rude man. But my people, he told me many other things. Beautiful, beautiful things, with terrible horrible words.”
HARTLESS.
“I need a haircut. Im only eight years old, If I dont get the child rate im going to lose it.”
“WHAT. THE. FUCK. ARE YOU LOOKING AT.”
(In the accent of someone who would wear a monocle.) “Readee foooor tha parteeee.”
“LETS GO FISHING BABE.”
SUICIDE NOTE.
Whats the pint point.
Im a horrible lover, a horrible friend. My back bone is a limp noodle. I wish i was fearless and valiant. And not the wretched coward i have become. I belong in a stew with hitlers balls. I should be hung and skinned. My fur used to pad the seat of an electric chair. The preacher burgled my butt when i was a care free funny bunny. But this isnt why I choose death. I just want the world to know. I cant blame him anymore. Im through blaming people. Im simply through. Goodbye.
sincerely. Alpo.
PARTY TOWN.
“Steve, I’m going to be late. My dinosaurs a fucking idiiot.”
“DEAL WITH IT.”
“This is the best day ever!”
“If i’ve told you once, i’ve told you a million times. You put the ham in the fridge. Its so simple. Now its gone bad. What are we going to have for dinner now, huh. Im really dissapointed in you Ralph, your better then this. You know, just forget it, get ready. Transformers two starts in half an hour. We’ll talk about this later…….Megan hot box fox. Really, thats real mature Ralph. Your ridiculous. Now lets get going ya stinkin dolt.”
HAPPY KAT.
“I’ve made a huge mistake.”
“I AM FROM THE FUTURE……..wow, what is the future liiike……ITS NUTS.”
“Lets go kick some queer ass.”
“Tom cat pats dick is this big. SOFT. I swear its ridiculous, its like a second tale.”
“oh shit.”
“I drank way to much last night, barfed at the flying lincoln bar and passed out in a puddle of acid. I gotta lay off the bourbon. Im curbin my bourbon intake. Im curbin my bourbon. It has to be done. I cant go to work like this. The boss gets mad when i wear a hat for chrissakes. Hes gonna freak on me.”
THE CREEP. “Hey babe, You remind me of my mom. Shes dead. Your like her cremation. DAMN HOT. What do you say you and me go back to your place and you suck me off?”
“No one understands me.”
The bassist for THE LIVER LIPS.”
“I am a celebrity on my planet. It never seemed weird back home, having my sex organ on my face. Having my special place be where i speak, urinate and procreate. But now, being here on earth I am over come with shame. It is a sensitive region, my lips. Some look at it with disgust, and I am to scared to imagine what the look in others eyes is. At home when i whistled a thousand people bowed. Now i drink whiskey and sit alone with my tube of chapstick and dreams.”
The evolution of fashion is a slow process.
SPACE COON 3. In a time when the world was ravaged with chaos, anarchy and madness. The earth resembled a large trash dump. The certain end was imminent. Until a group of space coons came to make order. This fall the space coon will rise. COMING NOVEMBER 2010.
“I’ll have one gangster burger, with thug sauce and extra g’z. Two wobbly grinches. A slammin salmon ham. And can I get extra raprika on that sam ham. Also a xxxl order of ghost milk. Im very messy, Throw some rapkins in please. Make it super duper, and you know what, double that order. As shakespeare once said, im fucking starving.”
POPE. CHICKEN GRAB ALBUM DROPPING NEXT SPRING.
(lyrics by pope.)
I Grab a chicken
right off the farm
aint eating grass
im doing mother fucking harm
I drive a fast car
with nice rims
nice wing
bitch get in
im gonna eat you
all night long
throw your lips
in captain toads pond
Tell your sister
shes next
I eat thighs
and big breasts
Im on a chicken grab
Im on a chicken grab
On a mother mother fucking
chicken chicken grab
Im on a chicken grab
Im on a chicken grab
Im in a field of wheat
binoculars
boner standing ten feet
staring
at the flock
gonna eat you all
and rub my cock
just thinking about it
makes me hard
im on a chicken grab
in your back yard
Im on a chicken grab
Im on a chicken grab
On a mother mother fucking
chicken chicken grab
Im on a chicken grab
Im on a chicken grab
Fucking bird
Im flyer then you
Oh nigga word
heres the chicken grab rules
One
Find a chicken.
two
Grab the bitch and
three
You Fucking feed.
Chicken chicken
buck buck
chicken chicken
buck buck
you fucking fowl
your fucking mother
was a clucker
dirty bird
dirty bird
dirty bird
Im on a chicken grab
Im on a chicken grab
On a mother mother fucking
chicken chicken grab
Im on a chicken grab
Im on a chicken grab.
“Mommy isnt coming home is she?”
“I hope im not late.”
“Lets talk about our childhoods.”
“You aint shit.”
“she left me. The bitch.”
“you fucking brat, i got scoleosis……….oh bear, why must you be such a bother……a bother, your breaking my fucking back………bear, what kind of language is that……….I hate you, I hate your fucking accent, I hate your dumb hair. And most of all, I hate, how much I love you………enough talk, lets mozy bear, Chapters closes soon, I need that book on frogs.”
“Yo guy, lets get to the mac store.”
“My favorite band is bat brains.”
“I fucking hate traffic jams. Im going to be late as shit for the boogie.”
“buhhhh, eye wuz wundering. Buhhh how mush thiz hammock will kost. I buhhhh, eye, eye, oh geez, excuse my stutter. As eye, eye, eye was zaying. I need 2 purchiss thiz hammock. my new years resolution was to lay more. buhhhh, the hammock is quintessential to thiz. buhhhhh.”
RACHEL DOVE DOHVERMINT.
“Does this dress make me look fat?………reality makes you look fat. Your a damned elephant. I just wish you had some tusks. A little ivory might make you worth half a damn……….stop it gandalf……….you want me to stop it, in all my years of wizardry i have never seen a trick so massive. your shits must look like an african village……stop it gandalf, just stop it, your drunk……yah im drunk, so what, you fat bitch…..boo hoo, boo hoo………..your going to have to cry a fucking ocean to lose any of that weight………Why are you doing this…….get me another beer, you need the exercise…….god gandalf, your so mean, why are you doing this……JUST GET THE FUCKING BEER….(You can hear rachel dove dohvermint walking to the fridge to get a beer, quietly crying.) (gandalf under his breath, to himself in a slight chuckle.) Never fails, works every time, just like magic.
“I dont trust sylvester stallone for a minute. Hes full of trickery. Hes very weasley.”
“This blow is fucking excellent.”
HUGE FART.
You never know what will happen after smoking anger powder.
“I am filled with demons and hamburger.”
LiSTENING TO THE BEATLES.
THE MAYOR OF TROUTOPIA.
Dance party, do the taxiderm worm baby.
“Oh yahh, that feels so fucking good…….you like when i grab your pussy dont you…..ooooh yah daddy, oooh, right there……oh fuck yah, you feel so fucking good……..oh fuck come on fuck me me with your hairy dick…..ooooooh baby, im pitching a crazy tent…….come pitch it in me……Im going to pitch a fucking fast ball baby……….oooh, make it slow, throw a curve ball………oooooh fuck yah, im gonna throw a fucking screw ball……..oooooh, yah, thats what i like……….OH god, what the fuck, YOU farted…………im sorry……. ahhh hell, that smells like shit……..ohhh im so sorry big daddy, i didnt mean to, dont stop……nope, im done, thats fucking it, thats disgusting, it smells like rotten berries. Im leaving, this is the grossest fucking thing ever, you should be ashamed……wait please, please dont go………….”
“The trouble with dogs is they have no class. Watching a doberman pincher eat is a travesty. I swear sometimes I think the beasts are from another planet…….here here, agreed, agreed…….anyways, what were you saying again Blanche………I was just saying how great cat stevens is, i got these new speakers, its like listening to everything for the first time again, Its all in the sub woofers……..woofers, did you say woofers. How dare you, you get that dog speak OUT OF MY HOUSE, RIGHT NOW. THIS DINNER IS OVER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME. OVER.”
“I LIKE GLOO.”
“buhhh, Cats dont like me very much. Buhhhh.”
“I feel ridiculous.”
